im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
