I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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