Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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