Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
