cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
