OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
