filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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