She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
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He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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