finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
