i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
