Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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