oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
