i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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