I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
