I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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