i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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