You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
