My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
