Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
