idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Drake has all the answers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
