He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
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I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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