Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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