We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
