i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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