dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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