Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
