why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
