Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
send nudes
from the living room?
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