there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
