your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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