Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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