no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My ATM looks so different sober.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
