he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
