No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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