My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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