So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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