a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
