i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
