you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
