plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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