So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
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I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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