so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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