my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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