Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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