I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
