She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
