you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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