Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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