now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
