yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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