Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
