you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
