oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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