when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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