people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
